Totally Average Woman

by Carla Ulbrich

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    13 tracks of funny songs. 6 originals and 7 parodies, all the important topics covered (droopy pants, tips for traveling to China, soda, serial talkers, the plight of the non-smoker, psycho exes...). Produced by the hugely talented Bob Malone and Steve Goodie.

    Includes unlimited streaming of Totally Average Woman via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
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    Get all 4 Carla Ulbrich releases available on Bandcamp and save 25%.

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about

Comedy music from Professional Smart Aleck Carla Ulbrich!
You've heard her music on Pandora, Dr. Demento, and Sirius XM.
Her 6th CD is a studio album with 5 originals, 7 parodies and a bonus track.

credits

released October 1, 2015

Producers: Bob Malone, Steve Goodie
Engineers: Steve McDonald, Steve Goodie, Bobby Brescia

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about

Carla Ulbrich

Frequently played on Pandora, Sirius XM, and the Dr. Demento Show, funny songwriter Carla Ulbrich
is known for writing about such topics as wedgies, Waffle House, Klingons, and how rich she would be if she had a copyright on the 'F' Word.

She cites her biggest musical influences as Sesame Street, camp songs, and cat food commercials.

This is her 6th CD.
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Track Name: Joe's Ex-Girlfriends
Thank you Joe’s ex-girlfriends
He never complains
Thank you Joe’s ex-girlfriends
You make me look sane

I never wore a hand puppet everywhere
And demand it get respect
I never read the Kama Sutra out loud
While in the middle of sex
At least not yet

Anything strange I’ve ever said
Doesn’t even hold a candle to
“If you don’t stop calling me irrational
I’m really gonna fly off the handle!”

Thank you Joe’s ex-girlfriends
He never complains
Thank you Joe’s ex-girlfriends
You make me look sane

I never said “Oh my God! What’s that noise?
Ugh! You’re blinking! Could you please stop that?”
I never showed a headless naked selfie to your friends
And said “Does she look fat?”

I wear goofy clothes
And I sleep until noon
I make poopy jokes
And watch Spongebob cartoons
I sing to the dog
And I talk to the plants
When I met you
I lived in a van
I’m unemployable
And sing songs about butts
But after batsh*t crazy
I’m only nuts

Thank you Joe’s ex-girlfriends
He never complains
Thank you Joe’s ex-girlfriends
You make me look sane

I’m practically Martha Stewart
Without the insider trading
But that’s another song
Track Name: Gotta Start Smokin'
Three or four times a day
My boss has to sneak away
And sometimes I hear him say
It’s a tough row to hoe
To be a nicotine slave

I’m not sayin’ he’s a jerk
But I have to do all the work
Acting manager owner and clerk
While he’s sittin’ in the sun
Man it drives me berzerk

It seems really clear to me
Doesn’t anybody else get the irony
I gotta start smokin’
If I wanna get a breath of fresh air

With the secondhand smoking uproar
He can’t smoke out front anymore
I thought he was absent before
Now he’s gotta get at least
A hundred yards from the door

He says he feels marginalized
He’s hoping to quit and he tries
But if he gives up his favorite vice
He’ll also give up all of that regular exercise

It seems really clear to me
Doesn’t anybody else get the irony
I gotta start smokin’
If I wanna get a breath of fresh air

If you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em
It’s true but troublesome
I bought some cigarettes
They’re made of bubble gum

Now I walk in the breeze and delight
In the sun and pretend to ignite
It was all going more than all right
‘Til the boss said “Can I bum a smoke and a light?

Hey what is this crap- bubble gum?
On your break? You’ve got to be joking!
Ulbrich, that’s it - you are done!”
Wait- did I just get fired for not smoking?

It seems really clear to me
Doesn’t anybody else get the irony
I gotta start smokin’ if I wanna get a breath of fresh air
I gotta start smokin’ if I wanna get some exercise
Well I better start smokin’ if I want to get a breath of fresh air
Track Name: Man Pants
You wear ‘em baggy And let some underwear show
You’re lookin’ groovy As long as you’re movin’ slow
But in a foot chase You better grab a good hold
Of those man pants
You can’t run down the street When they’re down around your ankles
Those man pants
Wear a belt hold ‘em up
With a pair of suspenders those man pants And if you’re nerdy You can wear ‘em real high
Your belt can double As a leather necktie
You check your heartbeat By unzippin’ the fly
Of those man pants

You can cut them off into
Shorts for the summer
It still looks better than
Showin’ off a plumber’s crack
Hike ‘em down hike ‘em up
Show ‘em off give it up
For those man pants
Track Name: If You're Going to China
If you’re goin’ to China don’t drink the water
If you’re goin’ to China don’t breathe the air
If you’re goin’ to China you’re guilty until proven innocent
If you remember all that you’ll have a great time there

If you’re goin’ to China it’s really cheap to eat there
But if you’re goin’ to China no one will offer you a fork
If you’re goin’ to China you can get centipedes on a stick
Or some vegetarian food which is made of pork

They do have McDonald’s but it costs a lot more
Sometimes you need normality
The public toilet is a hole in the floor and
You got to BYO TP

If you’re goin’ to China you’ll have a lot of fun there
So much excitement in China like meditation and Tai Chi
If you’re goin’ to China you’ll meet a lotta nice people
But the strange part in China is they are all Chinese

Ask permission to take pictures Don’t ask them to say cheese
Don’t try to bring home antiques because they will be seized
Pack your prescriptions in your carryon A hint from Heloise
Don’t wear your karate school t-shirt You’ll end up in the deep freeze
Don’t say “arigato” or “sayonara” Those words are Japanese
Track Name: Totally Average Woman
I got a totally average woman stands about five foot three
I got a totally average woman weighs about a hundred and fifty-three
Yeah she’s a mean mean woman - statistically mean

When she walks down the street some people notice some don’t
When she walks down the street some people notice but in general most people won’t
Some guys will whistle twice as many won’t

She can make a blind man hear
Make a deaf man see
She could have any guy
Who is no better or worse than me

I got a totally average woman IQ of a hundred
She’s a mean mean woman - statistically mean

She takes all my money invests it in a mutual fund
She takes all my money invests it in a highly diversified dividend-producing mutual fund
We will probably retire in a style to which we are accustomed

Every night she beats me Lord she beats me so bad
Every night she beats me Lord she beats me so bad
She is the toughest Scrabble partner I have ever had

She can let a sleeping dog lie
Send a dead man to his grave
When she was a young child she would occasionally misbehave

I got a totally average woman stands about five foot three point seven
She’s a mean mean woman - statistically mean
Baby I would walk over room temperature coals for you
Track Name: Cheek to Cheek
Women- what’s with women
And the plastic surgery that they all seek
Get some lipo and then give your face a tweak
As they move your cellulite from cheek to cheek

Women come on women
Get a browlift and then botox once a week
Do those lip injections make it hard to speak?
When we're out together little children shriek

Oh you look like a surprised duck
Or a circus sideshow freak
I can truly call you buttface now
‘Cause your cheeks are in your cheeks

Oh you went out on a blind date
And the poor guy’s up a creek
He’s not sure which end to talk to ‘cause
Your cheeks are in your cheeks

Can’t you see
Your forehead has no movement
This is not an improvement
If it were me I would sue them

And fellas - all you fellas
Who use steroid shots to build up your physique
And stand flexing in the mirror the whole week
I’d rather chat with an intelligent pipsqueak

Can’t you see
You can’t even comb your hair
Or wipe your own derriere
Because of those muscles there

Genius I’m a genius
I have realized the two of you must meet
Your enhancements I am sure she won’t critique
She would never raise an eyebrow
That’s of course because she can’t now
I’m sure we all agree you two have chemistry
Track Name: Aunt Flow Rag
Everybody duck for cover
Rest of the week we gotta hunker down
Hope we’re all stocked up on Midol
Aunt Flow’s comin’ around

Hide the chocolate cover the chairs
Somebody lock up the hounds
Put away your favorite underwear
Aunt Flow’s comin’ around

Well there ain’t gonna be any swimmin’
Not in the next few days
I hope you weren’t planning on wearin’ white
Or being in Cirque du Soleil

Listen to me girlfriend
Don’t you let her get you down
Just put on your big girl granny panties
Aunt Flow’s comin’ around

It’s ragtime!
Yeah put on your raggedy granny panties
Aunt flow is comin’ around
Track Name: Dr Pepper
I drink Dr Pepper if I must

But there's some things about it I don't trust

I don't think I'd serve it to a friend

It's the kind of drink that nature didn't intend

Chocolate pepper, cherry pepper

Cherry vanilla chocolate pepper

Diet vanilla fusion pepper too

Hacking pepper, fracking pepper

The kind of pepper in pepper-spray pepper

Wouldn't you like a can of chemical stew?


I give Dr Pepper lots of flack

But everybody knows the guy's a quack

This doc is certainly not a real MD

Though he probably got an A in chemistry

Hear no pepper see no pepper

Wow- there seems to be no pepper

What are my freaking kidneys s'posed to do?

Hey you peppers if Dr Pepper

Actually contained some pepper

Would you still wanna be a pepper too?


Dr Pepper now with actual pepper

Pepper Pepper that'd make u thirsty

Dr Pepper he's not a doctor

Dr Pepper but he plays one in a bottle

Dr Pepper no relation to Sergeant Pepper
Track Name: Ragnarok
Everyone's blown away
Just two people left to stay
And repopulate
After Ragnarok

Please just go away
You're not gonna get a date
Why don't you go and play
(what’s something that takes forever? Dungeons and Dragons?)
Oh, I saw this great looking role-playing thingy on the way into the hotel. Way over on the other end. You should check it out.

Wow she's really hot
And she really likes me not
But I'll get my shot
After Ragnarok
After Ragnarok
After Ragnarok
Track Name: Break Away
Da da da da da da ...

My neighbor’s such a talker
I’m like a backward stalker
I watch for her through my window
If I leave my condo
She sticks to me like bondo
All dang day

When my neighbor Fred tries
To get a word in edgewise
Feels like no one can hear him
She can’t even see how
He’s really gotta pee now
So I pray he can break away

I see you coming and duck out of sight
‘Cause to leave while you’re talking is so impolite
If you’d zip your lip
Shut your face
Clap your trap
I could break away

Two good solutions I’ll take either choice
I lose my hearing or you lose your voice
Or you could take a break
Take a hint
Take a breath
And I could break away

Yada yada yada yada yada yada
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

Heard about your migraines
And your lower back pains
And your cat’s operation
Since there’s no interjecting
I’m astrally projecting far away
Like to East Bombay

Pigs will grow wings and they’ll learn how to fly
The Cubs win the series and hell turns to ice
And you zip your lip
Close your beak
Shut yer hole
That will be the day

From ‘round the corner oh look here comes Fred
She turns to greet him and he fakes his death but I
Take my chance
Tuck and roll
Dodge and weave
And I break away

Break away
Break away
Track Name: Needless Dissection
Why are there so many
Kids in this classroom?
And why's this one holding a knife?
If they think they're doctors
Then they have delusions
Is this what they’ll do with my life?

So we've been told
And some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong wait and see
Someday we'll stop this
The needless dissection
The piggies the earthworms and me

Who said that every kid
Should slice something open
And live with emotional scars?
Some become Hannibals
And some become vegans
Why not just teach CPR?

I play the banjo and host a TV show
Success without hurting a flea
Someday we'll stop this
The needless dissection
The piglets the earthworms and me
All of us going extinct
Why not use a frog made of plastic?

Have you been cut in half?
And have you heard voices
Calling each organ by name?
Unless you're a donor
Who gave prematurely
The experience isn't the same

The study of life
Sure involves lots of death
Seems kind of contradictory
Someday we'll stop this
The needless dissection
The piggies the earthworms and me
La da da dee da da doo
Da da de da da de da doo
Track Name: Swamp Thing
Swamp Thing
You’re slimy and green
You smell like string beans and tubers
Swamp Thing

Swamp Thing are you a plant or an animal?
‘Cause l wanna know for sure
Hmm part vegetable part meat
I’m hungry

Swamp Thing
That sounds enticing
I’ll have one with everything- bring it to me
Swamp Thing

Swamp Thing I think you’re tasty
But I wanna know for sure
Would you mind stepping into this hamburger bun?
Now don’t move!

Swamp Thing
That’s interesting
You’ve got an aftertaste like jujubes
Swamp Thing
C’mon c’mon Swamp Thing
Shake and Bake it Swamp Thing