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If You're Going to China

from Totally Average Woman by Carla Ulbrich

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    13 tracks of funny songs. 6 originals and 7 parodies, all the important topics covered (droopy pants, tips for traveling to China, soda, serial talkers, the plight of the non-smoker, psycho exes...). Produced by the hugely talented Bob Malone and Steve Goodie.

    Includes unlimited streaming of Totally Average Woman via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
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  • Full Digital Discography

    12
    releases

    Get all 12 Carla Ulbrich releases available on Bandcamp and save 10%.

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Sit Here and Scream, Twang, Put On A Mask, Inside Jokes: Songs From Quarantine, The LOUD Album, Live at FuMPFest, Totally Average Woman, Live From Outer Space, and 4 more. , and , .

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about

Joe was getting ready to go to China for a kung fu trip, and there was this enormous pile of instructions about things to not do as a tourist. He didn't have time to read it because his job was working him 24/7, so I reduced it down to a 3-minute song.

lyrics

If you’re goin’ to China don’t drink the water
If you’re goin’ to China don’t breathe the air
If you’re goin’ to China you’re guilty until proven innocent
If you remember all that you’ll have a great time there

If you’re goin’ to China it’s really cheap to eat there
But if you’re goin’ to China no one will offer you a fork
If you’re goin’ to China you can get centipedes on a stick
Or some vegetarian food which is made of pork

They do have McDonald’s but it costs a lot more
Sometimes you need normality
The public toilet is a hole in the floor and
You got to BYO TP

If you’re goin’ to China you’ll have a lot of fun there
So much excitement in China like meditation and Tai Chi
If you’re goin’ to China you’ll meet a lotta nice people
But the strange part in China is they are all Chinese

Ask permission to take pictures Don’t ask them to say cheese
Don’t try to bring home antiques because they will be seized
Pack your prescriptions in your carryon A hint from Heloise
Don’t wear your karate school t-shirt You’ll end up in the deep freeze
Don’t say “arigato” or “sayonara” Those words are Japanese

credits

from Totally Average Woman, released October 1, 2015
Vocal, rhythm guitar, “tourist”: Carla Ulbrich
Chinese embassy worker, background vocals: Jonny Blu
Piano: Bob Malone
Bass: Jeff Dean
Drums: Mike Baird
Electric guitar: Bob DeMarco
Percussion: Chris Trujillo
Valley Girl: Karen Nash
Recording engineer: Steve McDonald

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Carla Ulbrich

Award-winning songwriter Carla Ulbrich has played in venues small and large (and sometimes odd) all over the US.

You may have heard her on SiriusXM Comedy radio, or one of many NPR stations, or on the legendary Dr. Demento show.

She has released 10 albums of fun music and was an extra in the movie Sharknado 2.

"Inside Jokes: Songs from Quarantine" is her 10th album. ... more

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