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Twang

by Carla Ulbrich

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    Comes in a digipak (like a tiny vinyl record), with fabulous artwork by Jake Thomas.

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  • Full Digital Discography

    Get all 11 Carla Ulbrich releases available on Bandcamp and save 10%.

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Twang, Put On A Mask, Inside Jokes: Songs From Quarantine, The LOUD Album, Live at FuMPFest, Totally Average Woman, Live From Outer Space, Sick Humor, and 3 more. , and , .

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1.
Well it's a hundred degrees out again today And my air conditioner quit And no one can fix it till next week I was about to throw a fit So I decided to go to Costco Just to stand inside and cool down Then I ran into a friend in the cereal aisle And I guess he was joking around He said Is it hot enough for ya Is it hot enough for ya Man it’s gotta be about a hundred and three Is it hot enough for ya Everyone’s a comedian It's annoying I tell you what When your heat rash has got a heat rash And your bra strap has melted shut I mean even the weeds were wilted When I went to mow the lawn Then I barbecued some hamburgers And I didn't even turn the grill on and you ask me Is it hot enough for ya Is it hot enough for ya Man it’s gotta be about a hundred and three Is it hot enough for ya Well I burned my butt on the driver’s seat My cursing made a sailor blush Snow White change her name today Now she's just called “Slush” The itsy bitsy spider Made it up the water spout All the sculptures by Salvador Dali Yesterday they straightened out You think you’re so dang funny With that old worn-out cliche I’ve been in this store ten minutes You’re the third one i’ve heard say Is it hot enough for ya Is it hot enough for ya Man it’s gotta be about a hundred and three Is it hot enough for ya Is it hot enough for ya Is it hot enough for ya Man it’s gotta be about a hundred and three Is it hot enough for ya
2.
Finding a good therapist is tricky You never know just what you’re gonna get So have a little interview before you commit Just get some questions off the internet Why do you want to work here at Carla’s neuroses? Helping people? Duly noted I see you’ve been at this position for fifteen years How come you’ve never been promoted? How will you affect my bottom line? And would you call yourself a winner? Do you ever take your work home with you? You do? What time is dinner? Finding a good therapist is tricky You never know just what you’re gonna get So have a little interview before you commit Just get some questions off the internet What makes you think you’re qualified to work here? I mean besides the PhD Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Please don’t say you’ll still be seeing me How many golf balls are there in Florida? And how much fuel would it take to ignite them? What’s the airspeed of an unladen swallow? Hey I just ask the questions I don’t write them Are you willing to fail? Why should we hire you? How did your last job end? How do you deal with a difficult client? Asking for a friend Thanks for your time we’ll give you a call Or maybe not I guess we’ll see If you don’t get the job don’t stay in a funk Just take this little tip from me Finding a good therapist is simple You’ll know exactly what you’re gonna to get You’ll trim your list of candidates in no time With your questions from the internet
3.
20 Rats 02:38
In the basement of the science lab studying addiction The experiment was conclusive matching their prediction Each one had two bottles, one with water one morphine Twenty rats in twenty cages none of them stayed clean Many times in many places the trial was replicated Drugs as powerful as this should’ve never been created We’ve got to keep them off the streets by every possible means Twenty rats in twenty cages none of them stayed clean I tried to warn these rats about how this would go I told them use will power; just say no I told them about their strung out friends and relatives I’d seen But those twenty rats in twenty cages- none of them stayed clean Then Doctor Alexander came onto the scene He said “I’m looking at these rats. They’re disengaged. These are social creatures trapped in isolation The problem’s not the morphine- the problem is the cage” He sprung them from confinement and gave them toys and space Lots of room to exercise and even room to mate They still had two bottles one with water, one morphine Those twenty rats free from their cages All of them stayed clean All of them stayed clean
4.
If you could stop tryina bring on the apocalypse That’d be really swell I’m not just asking for the heathens I’m not worried about going to hell You’re not the first person to read Revelations Even satan knows the Bible well If you could stop tryin’a bring on the apocalypse That’d be really swell If you could stop tryina bring on the apocalypse That’d be really fab You may be looking for a holy war But the people in charge just want a power grab Tearing up the planet like there’s no tomorrow and the rest of us are picking up the tab If you could stop tryin a bring on the apocalypse That’d be really fab Is this like when you were five years old Waiting to see Santa’s face Except instead of leaving out cookies and milk You left a big pile of nuclear waste If you could stop tryin’a bring on the apocalypse That’d be really great Hiding in your underground bunker Eating beef jerky while you sit and wait Well there’s work to be done and there’s people to help and Jesus is running late If you could stop tryin’a bring on the apocalypse That’d be really great Would Jesus wish for Armageddon I’m not so sure he would You can be so heavenly minded That you’re no damn earthly good If you could stop tryina bring on the apocalypse That’d be really nice You think you’re ready to meet your maker Well you may just wanna think twice If you haven’t yet learned to love thy neighbor Better put those plans on ice If you could stop tryina bring on the apocalypse That’d be really nice That’d be really fantastic
5.
Up at five in the morning She packs three changes of clothes Commutes into the city For reasons she can’t disclose She wears a woolen winter coat Out in the summer heat And for the fifteenth time Waits for the cue to casually cross the street She’s an extra She moves her lips but makes no sound Not even to cough I think she’s saying peas and carrots (peas and carrots?) My lip reading could be off Sipping air from a coffee cup She waits for the all-clear Then takes the arm of her man Her third husband just this year She’s an extra Behind the scenes she’s picking out her next identity Biker? No Detective? No Hipster? No Model? No Ordinary everyday pedestrian- that’s me! She’s an extra At last! A part in a movie She told her job, “Drop dead” You might see her on the big screen Just look for the back of her head She’s an extra
6.
Step one okay, I’m an addict And my life is a mess Well, duh This step is so flippin’ obvious I should finish all twelve in a month Step two came to believe a power greater than me Could restore my sanity to my life Sanity. Sounds kind of boring But I guess I can give it a try The recovery waltz Step one step two step three Any beginner can learn it Even someone as stubborn as me Step three turned my will and life over to God Or I guess I should say higher power Then took it back when answers to prayers Seemed to take longer than half an hour I don’t feel like searching and I’m not at all fearless So the next part I think I’ll ignore As long as I keep on waltzing I’ll never have to do step four The recovery waltz Step one step two step three I’ve danced myself into a corner Stepping on my own feet I accepted the things That I could not change Which gave me some peace Which felt kinda strange But to look at my part In the mess that I made Requires some honesty Hence the delay The recovery waltz Avoiding reality Dancing around the problem And the problem of course is me Me doing the recovery waltz
7.
My friend Bob works his job on the Sabbath He should get stoned to death but he hasn’t Then there’s Jim got his hair trimmed me oh my oh The law forbids yet he did he’s got to die-oh Then there’s Dave he wanted slaves and now he’s got ‘em Had a look at the Good Book- not a problem How I wish i could have shellfish but I’m no Dumbo Ain’t going to Hell on the half shell for some Gumbo Leviticus isn’t just about being gay oh It has got a whole lot more to say oh Nowadays things you say do not apply-oh Can’t pick and choose what you use from the Bible Couldn’t quit I must admit what can I say? I tried to change the fact remains that I am left-handed It’s a sin to touch the skin of a pig that’s dead oh Sorry y’all no more football that’s what it said oh My sister Rose got new clothes last semester Now she’s forgot and she’s wearing cotton with polyester My buddy Bjork ate some pork with a milkshake oh Should they be stoned or can we burn them at the stake oh Leviticus isn’t just about being gay oh It has got a whole lot more to say oh Nowadays things you say do not apply-oh Can’t pick and choose what you use from the Bible Can’t pick and choose what you use from the Bible
8.
You wonder why your woman left you And your friends are so very few Even your golden retriever Can’t seem to make time for you Any time you throw a party Everyone calls in sick It’s all so sad but I wonder Have you tried not bein’ a dick Not bein’ a dick Not bein’ a dick Not bein’ a dick A tool a wanker a pecker Have you tried not bein’ a dick You’ve tried going to all kinds of meetups And looking for friends on craigslist Learning some clever pickup lines To find yourself a new chick You even tried taking up smoking But no one would flick your Bic You went to join Scientology They said “Have you tried not bein’ a dick?” Not bein’ a dick Not bein’ a dick Not bein’ a dick a dinner a dong a doinker have you tried Not bein’ a dick If houseplants all turn brown and shrivel Whenever you enter the room If raindrops refuse to fall on your head And babies crawl back in the womb If you’ve tried to split a hotel room And your roommate preferred the car trunk If you’ve taken a personality test and flunked If your girlfriend keeps deflating herself Or asks “Can you make this quick?”
Then maybe it’s time you asked yourself Have I tried not being a dick? Not bein’ a dick Not bein’ a dick It may be against your religion So how ‘bout just try a little smidgeon Would it kill ya for just 5 minutes just to try Just to try not bein’ a dick

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released March 1, 2022

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Carla Ulbrich

Award-winning songwriter Carla Ulbrich has played in venues small and large (and sometimes odd) all over the US.

You may have heard her on SiriusXM Comedy radio, or one of many NPR stations, or on the legendary Dr. Demento show.

She has released 10 albums of fun music and was an extra in the movie Sharknado 2.

"Inside Jokes: Songs from Quarantine" is her 10th album.
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