Get all 12 Carla Ulbrich releases available on Bandcamp and save 10%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Sit Here and Scream, Twang, Put On A Mask, Inside Jokes: Songs From Quarantine, The LOUD Album, Live at FuMPFest, Totally Average Woman, Live From Outer Space, and 4 more.
1. |
Joe's Ex-Girlfriends
02:07
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Thank you Joe’s ex-girlfriends
He never complains
Thank you Joe’s ex-girlfriends
You make me look sane
I never wore a hand puppet everywhere
And demand it get respect
I never read the Kama Sutra out loud
While in the middle of sex
At least not yet
Anything strange I’ve ever said
Doesn’t even hold a candle to
“If you don’t stop calling me irrational
I’m really gonna fly off the handle!”
Thank you Joe’s ex-girlfriends
He never complains
Thank you Joe’s ex-girlfriends
You make me look sane
I never said “Oh my God! What’s that noise?
Ugh! You’re blinking! Could you please stop that?”
I never showed a headless naked selfie to your friends
And said “Does she look fat?”
I wear goofy clothes
And I sleep until noon
I make poopy jokes
And watch Spongebob cartoons
I sing to the dog
And I talk to the plants
When I met you
I lived in a van
I’m unemployable
And sing songs about butts
But after batsh*t crazy
I’m only nuts
Thank you Joe’s ex-girlfriends
He never complains
Thank you Joe’s ex-girlfriends
You make me look sane
I’m practically Martha Stewart
Without the insider trading
But that’s another song
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2. |
Gotta Start Smokin'
02:25
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Three or four times a day
My boss has to sneak away
And sometimes I hear him say
It’s a tough row to hoe
To be a nicotine slave
I’m not sayin’ he’s a jerk
But I have to do all the work
Acting manager owner and clerk
While he’s sittin’ in the sun
Man it drives me berzerk
It seems really clear to me
Doesn’t anybody else get the irony
I gotta start smokin’
If I wanna get a breath of fresh air
With the secondhand smoking uproar
He can’t smoke out front anymore
I thought he was absent before
Now he’s gotta get at least
A hundred yards from the door
He says he feels marginalized
He’s hoping to quit and he tries
But if he gives up his favorite vice
He’ll also give up all of that regular exercise
It seems really clear to me
Doesn’t anybody else get the irony
I gotta start smokin’
If I wanna get a breath of fresh air
If you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em
It’s true but troublesome
I bought some cigarettes
They’re made of bubble gum
Now I walk in the breeze and delight
In the sun and pretend to ignite
It was all going more than all right
‘Til the boss said “Can I bum a smoke and a light?
Hey what is this crap- bubble gum?
On your break? You’ve got to be joking!
Ulbrich, that’s it - you are done!”
Wait- did I just get fired for not smoking?
It seems really clear to me
Doesn’t anybody else get the irony
I gotta start smokin’ if I wanna get a breath of fresh air
I gotta start smokin’ if I wanna get some exercise
Well I better start smokin’ if I want to get a breath of fresh air
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3. |
Man Pants
01:06
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You wear ‘em baggy And let some underwear show
You’re lookin’ groovy As long as you’re movin’ slow
But in a foot chase You better grab a good hold
Of those man pants
You can’t run down the street When they’re down around your ankles
Those man pants
Wear a belt hold ‘em up
With a pair of suspenders those man pants And if you’re nerdy You can wear ‘em real high
Your belt can double As a leather necktie
You check your heartbeat By unzippin’ the fly
Of those man pants
You can cut them off into
Shorts for the summer
It still looks better than
Showin’ off a plumber’s crack
Hike ‘em down hike ‘em up
Show ‘em off give it up
For those man pants
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4. |
If You're Going to China
03:30
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If you’re goin’ to China don’t drink the water
If you’re goin’ to China don’t breathe the air
If you’re goin’ to China you’re guilty until proven innocent
If you remember all that you’ll have a great time there
If you’re goin’ to China it’s really cheap to eat there
But if you’re goin’ to China no one will offer you a fork
If you’re goin’ to China you can get centipedes on a stick
Or some vegetarian food which is made of pork
They do have McDonald’s but it costs a lot more
Sometimes you need normality
The public toilet is a hole in the floor and
You got to BYO TP
If you’re goin’ to China you’ll have a lot of fun there
So much excitement in China like meditation and Tai Chi
If you’re goin’ to China you’ll meet a lotta nice people
But the strange part in China is they are all Chinese
Ask permission to take pictures Don’t ask them to say cheese
Don’t try to bring home antiques because they will be seized
Pack your prescriptions in your carryon A hint from Heloise
Don’t wear your karate school t-shirt You’ll end up in the deep freeze
Don’t say “arigato” or “sayonara” Those words are Japanese
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5. |
Totally Average Woman
03:24
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I got a totally average woman stands about five foot three
I got a totally average woman weighs about a hundred and fifty-three
Yeah she’s a mean mean woman - statistically mean
When she walks down the street some people notice some don’t
When she walks down the street some people notice but in general most people won’t
Some guys will whistle twice as many won’t
She can make a blind man hear
Make a deaf man see
She could have any guy
Who is no better or worse than me
I got a totally average woman IQ of a hundred
She’s a mean mean woman - statistically mean
She takes all my money invests it in a mutual fund
She takes all my money invests it in a highly diversified dividend-producing mutual fund
We will probably retire in a style to which we are accustomed
Every night she beats me Lord she beats me so bad
Every night she beats me Lord she beats me so bad
She is the toughest Scrabble partner I have ever had
She can let a sleeping dog lie
Send a dead man to his grave
When she was a young child she would occasionally misbehave
I got a totally average woman stands about five foot three point seven
She’s a mean mean woman - statistically mean
Baby I would walk over room temperature coals for you
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6. |
Cheek to Cheek
03:18
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Women- what’s with women
And the plastic surgery that they all seek
Get some lipo and then give your face a tweak
As they move your cellulite from cheek to cheek
Women come on women
Get a browlift and then botox once a week
Do those lip injections make it hard to speak?
When we're out together little children shriek
Oh you look like a surprised duck
Or a circus sideshow freak
I can truly call you buttface now
‘Cause your cheeks are in your cheeks
Oh you went out on a blind date
And the poor guy’s up a creek
He’s not sure which end to talk to ‘cause
Your cheeks are in your cheeks
Can’t you see
Your forehead has no movement
This is not an improvement
If it were me I would sue them
And fellas - all you fellas
Who use steroid shots to build up your physique
And stand flexing in the mirror the whole week
I’d rather chat with an intelligent pipsqueak
Can’t you see
You can’t even comb your hair
Or wipe your own derriere
Because of those muscles there
Genius I’m a genius
I have realized the two of you must meet
Your enhancements I am sure she won’t critique
She would never raise an eyebrow
That’s of course because she can’t now
I’m sure we all agree you two have chemistry
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7. |
Aunt Flow Rag
01:35
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Everybody duck for cover
Rest of the week we gotta hunker down
Hope we’re all stocked up on Midol
Aunt Flow’s comin’ around
Hide the chocolate cover the chairs
Somebody lock up the hounds
Put away your favorite underwear
Aunt Flow’s comin’ around
Well there ain’t gonna be any swimmin’
Not in the next few days
I hope you weren’t planning on wearin’ white
Or being in Cirque du Soleil
Listen to me girlfriend
Don’t you let her get you down
Just put on your big girl granny panties
Aunt Flow’s comin’ around
It’s ragtime!
Yeah put on your raggedy granny panties
Aunt flow is comin’ around
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8. |
Dr Pepper
01:17
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I drink Dr Pepper if I must
But there's some things about it I don't trust
I don't think I'd serve it to a friend
It's the kind of drink that nature didn't intend
Chocolate pepper, cherry pepper
Cherry vanilla chocolate pepper
Diet vanilla fusion pepper too
Hacking pepper, fracking pepper
The kind of pepper in pepper-spray pepper
Wouldn't you like a can of chemical stew?
I give Dr Pepper lots of flack
But everybody knows the guy's a quack
This doc is certainly not a real MD
Though he probably got an A in chemistry
Hear no pepper see no pepper
Wow- there seems to be no pepper
What are my freaking kidneys s'posed to do?
Hey you peppers if Dr Pepper
Actually contained some pepper
Would you still wanna be a pepper too?
Dr Pepper now with actual pepper
Pepper Pepper that'd make u thirsty
Dr Pepper he's not a doctor
Dr Pepper but he plays one in a bottle
Dr Pepper no relation to Sergeant Pepper
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9. |
Ragnarok
02:05
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Everyone's blown away
Just two people left to stay
And repopulate
After Ragnarok
Please just go away
You're not gonna get a date
Why don't you go and play
(what’s something that takes forever? Dungeons and Dragons?)
Oh, I saw this great looking role-playing thingy on the way into the hotel. Way over on the other end. You should check it out.
Wow she's really hot
And she really likes me not
But I'll get my shot
After Ragnarok
After Ragnarok
After Ragnarok
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10. |
Break Away
02:45
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Da da da da da da ...
My neighbor’s such a talker
I’m like a backward stalker
I watch for her through my window
If I leave my condo
She sticks to me like bondo
All dang day
When my neighbor Fred tries
To get a word in edgewise
Feels like no one can hear him
She can’t even see how
He’s really gotta pee now
So I pray he can break away
I see you coming and duck out of sight
‘Cause to leave while you’re talking is so impolite
If you’d zip your lip
Shut your face
Clap your trap
I could break away
Two good solutions I’ll take either choice
I lose my hearing or you lose your voice
Or you could take a break
Take a hint
Take a breath
And I could break away
Yada yada yada yada yada yada
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
Heard about your migraines
And your lower back pains
And your cat’s operation
Since there’s no interjecting
I’m astrally projecting far away
Like to East Bombay
Pigs will grow wings and they’ll learn how to fly
The Cubs win the series and hell turns to ice
And you zip your lip
Close your beak
Shut yer hole
That will be the day
From ‘round the corner oh look here comes Fred
She turns to greet him and he fakes his death but I
Take my chance
Tuck and roll
Dodge and weave
And I break away
Break away
Break away
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11. |
Needless Dissection
03:16
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Why are there so many
Kids in this classroom?
And why's this one holding a knife?
If they think they're doctors
Then they have delusions
Is this what they’ll do with my life?
So we've been told
And some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong wait and see
Someday we'll stop this
The needless dissection
The piggies the earthworms and me
Who said that every kid
Should slice something open
And live with emotional scars?
Some become Hannibals
And some become vegans
Why not just teach CPR?
I play the banjo and host a TV show
Success without hurting a flea
Someday we'll stop this
The needless dissection
The piglets the earthworms and me
All of us going extinct
Why not use a frog made of plastic?
Have you been cut in half?
And have you heard voices
Calling each organ by name?
Unless you're a donor
Who gave prematurely
The experience isn't the same
The study of life
Sure involves lots of death
Seems kind of contradictory
Someday we'll stop this
The needless dissection
The piggies the earthworms and me
La da da dee da da doo
Da da de da da de da doo
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12. |
Swamp Thing
02:53
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Swamp Thing
You’re slimy and green
You smell like string beans and tubers
Swamp Thing
Swamp Thing are you a plant or an animal?
‘Cause l wanna know for sure
Hmm part vegetable part meat
I’m hungry
Swamp Thing
That sounds enticing
I’ll have one with everything- bring it to me
Swamp Thing
Swamp Thing I think you’re tasty
But I wanna know for sure
Would you mind stepping into this hamburger bun?
Now don’t move!
Swamp Thing
That’s interesting
You’ve got an aftertaste like jujubes
Swamp Thing
C’mon c’mon Swamp Thing
Shake and Bake it Swamp Thing
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13. |
Before Autotune
00:26
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Carla Ulbrich
Award-winning songwriter Carla Ulbrich has played in venues small and large (and sometimes odd) all over the
US.
You may have heard her on SiriusXM Comedy radio, or one of many NPR stations, or on the legendary Dr. Demento show.
She has released 10 albums of fun music and was an extra in the movie Sharknado 2.
"Inside Jokes: Songs from Quarantine" is her 10th album.
... more
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