Totally Average Woman

by Carla Ulbrich

/
  • Streaming + Download

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

    Also includes download of entire CD cover and liner notes.
    Purchasable with gift card

      $8 USD  or more

     

  • Compact Disc (CD) + Digital Album

    13 tracks of funny songs. 6 originals and 7 parodies, all the important topics covered (droopy pants, tips for traveling to China, soda, serial talkers, the plight of the non-smoker, psycho exes...). Produced by the hugely talented Bob Malone and Steve Goodie.

    Includes unlimited streaming of Totally Average Woman via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
    ships out within 3 days

      $10 USD or more 

     

  • Full Digital Discography

    Get all 12 Carla Ulbrich releases available on Bandcamp and save 10%.

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Where Have All The Waiters Gone?, Stand Up and Act, Put On A Mask, Inside Jokes: Songs From Quarantine, The LOUD Album, Live at FuMPFest, Totally Average Woman, Live From Outer Space, and 4 more. , and , .

    Purchasable with gift card

      $62.55 USD or more (10% OFF)

     

1.
Thank you Joe’s ex-girlfriends He never complains Thank you Joe’s ex-girlfriends You make me look sane I never wore a hand puppet everywhere And demand it get respect I never read the Kama Sutra out loud While in the middle of sex At least not yet Anything strange I’ve ever said Doesn’t even hold a candle to “If you don’t stop calling me irrational I’m really gonna fly off the handle!” Thank you Joe’s ex-girlfriends He never complains Thank you Joe’s ex-girlfriends You make me look sane I never said “Oh my God! What’s that noise? Ugh! You’re blinking! Could you please stop that?” I never showed a headless naked selfie to your friends And said “Does she look fat?” I wear goofy clothes And I sleep until noon I make poopy jokes And watch Spongebob cartoons I sing to the dog And I talk to the plants When I met you I lived in a van I’m unemployable And sing songs about butts But after batsh*t crazy I’m only nuts Thank you Joe’s ex-girlfriends He never complains Thank you Joe’s ex-girlfriends You make me look sane I’m practically Martha Stewart Without the insider trading But that’s another song
2.
Three or four times a day My boss has to sneak away And sometimes I hear him say It’s a tough row to hoe To be a nicotine slave I’m not sayin’ he’s a jerk But I have to do all the work Acting manager owner and clerk While he’s sittin’ in the sun Man it drives me berzerk It seems really clear to me Doesn’t anybody else get the irony I gotta start smokin’ If I wanna get a breath of fresh air With the secondhand smoking uproar He can’t smoke out front anymore I thought he was absent before Now he’s gotta get at least A hundred yards from the door He says he feels marginalized He’s hoping to quit and he tries But if he gives up his favorite vice He’ll also give up all of that regular exercise It seems really clear to me Doesn’t anybody else get the irony I gotta start smokin’ If I wanna get a breath of fresh air If you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em It’s true but troublesome I bought some cigarettes They’re made of bubble gum Now I walk in the breeze and delight In the sun and pretend to ignite It was all going more than all right ‘Til the boss said “Can I bum a smoke and a light? Hey what is this crap- bubble gum? On your break? You’ve got to be joking! Ulbrich, that’s it - you are done!” Wait- did I just get fired for not smoking? It seems really clear to me Doesn’t anybody else get the irony I gotta start smokin’ if I wanna get a breath of fresh air I gotta start smokin’ if I wanna get some exercise Well I better start smokin’ if I want to get a breath of fresh air
3.
Man Pants 01:06
You wear ‘em baggy And let some underwear show You’re lookin’ groovy As long as you’re movin’ slow But in a foot chase You better grab a good hold Of those man pants You can’t run down the street When they’re down around your ankles Those man pants Wear a belt hold ‘em up With a pair of suspenders those man pants And if you’re nerdy You can wear ‘em real high Your belt can double As a leather necktie You check your heartbeat By unzippin’ the fly Of those man pants You can cut them off into Shorts for the summer It still looks better than Showin’ off a plumber’s crack Hike ‘em down hike ‘em up Show ‘em off give it up For those man pants
4.
If you’re goin’ to China don’t drink the water If you’re goin’ to China don’t breathe the air If you’re goin’ to China you’re guilty until proven innocent If you remember all that you’ll have a great time there If you’re goin’ to China it’s really cheap to eat there But if you’re goin’ to China no one will offer you a fork If you’re goin’ to China you can get centipedes on a stick Or some vegetarian food which is made of pork They do have McDonald’s but it costs a lot more Sometimes you need normality The public toilet is a hole in the floor and You got to BYO TP If you’re goin’ to China you’ll have a lot of fun there So much excitement in China like meditation and Tai Chi If you’re goin’ to China you’ll meet a lotta nice people But the strange part in China is they are all Chinese Ask permission to take pictures Don’t ask them to say cheese Don’t try to bring home antiques because they will be seized Pack your prescriptions in your carryon A hint from Heloise Don’t wear your karate school t-shirt You’ll end up in the deep freeze Don’t say “arigato” or “sayonara” Those words are Japanese
5.
I got a totally average woman stands about five foot three I got a totally average woman weighs about a hundred and fifty-three Yeah she’s a mean mean woman - statistically mean When she walks down the street some people notice some don’t When she walks down the street some people notice but in general most people won’t Some guys will whistle twice as many won’t She can make a blind man hear Make a deaf man see She could have any guy Who is no better or worse than me I got a totally average woman IQ of a hundred She’s a mean mean woman - statistically mean She takes all my money invests it in a mutual fund She takes all my money invests it in a highly diversified dividend-producing mutual fund We will probably retire in a style to which we are accustomed Every night she beats me Lord she beats me so bad Every night she beats me Lord she beats me so bad She is the toughest Scrabble partner I have ever had She can let a sleeping dog lie Send a dead man to his grave When she was a young child she would occasionally misbehave I got a totally average woman stands about five foot three point seven She’s a mean mean woman - statistically mean Baby I would walk over room temperature coals for you
6.
Women- what’s with women And the plastic surgery that they all seek Get some lipo and then give your face a tweak As they move your cellulite from cheek to cheek Women come on women Get a browlift and then botox once a week Do those lip injections make it hard to speak? When we're out together little children shriek Oh you look like a surprised duck Or a circus sideshow freak I can truly call you buttface now ‘Cause your cheeks are in your cheeks Oh you went out on a blind date And the poor guy’s up a creek He’s not sure which end to talk to ‘cause Your cheeks are in your cheeks Can’t you see Your forehead has no movement This is not an improvement If it were me I would sue them And fellas - all you fellas Who use steroid shots to build up your physique And stand flexing in the mirror the whole week I’d rather chat with an intelligent pipsqueak Can’t you see You can’t even comb your hair Or wipe your own derriere Because of those muscles there Genius I’m a genius I have realized the two of you must meet Your enhancements I am sure she won’t critique She would never raise an eyebrow That’s of course because she can’t now I’m sure we all agree you two have chemistry
7.
Everybody duck for cover Rest of the week we gotta hunker down Hope we’re all stocked up on Midol Aunt Flow’s comin’ around Hide the chocolate cover the chairs Somebody lock up the hounds Put away your favorite underwear Aunt Flow’s comin’ around Well there ain’t gonna be any swimmin’ Not in the next few days I hope you weren’t planning on wearin’ white Or being in Cirque du Soleil Listen to me girlfriend Don’t you let her get you down Just put on your big girl granny panties Aunt Flow’s comin’ around It’s ragtime! Yeah put on your raggedy granny panties Aunt flow is comin’ around
8.
Dr Pepper 01:17
I drink Dr Pepper if I must But there's some things about it I don't trust I don't think I'd serve it to a friend It's the kind of drink that nature didn't intend Chocolate pepper, cherry pepper Cherry vanilla chocolate pepper Diet vanilla fusion pepper too Hacking pepper, fracking pepper The kind of pepper in pepper-spray pepper Wouldn't you like a can of chemical stew? I give Dr Pepper lots of flack But everybody knows the guy's a quack This doc is certainly not a real MD Though he probably got an A in chemistry Hear no pepper see no pepper Wow- there seems to be no pepper What are my freaking kidneys s'posed to do? Hey you peppers if Dr Pepper Actually contained some pepper Would you still wanna be a pepper too? Dr Pepper now with actual pepper Pepper Pepper that'd make u thirsty Dr Pepper he's not a doctor Dr Pepper but he plays one in a bottle Dr Pepper no relation to Sergeant Pepper
9.
Ragnarok 02:05
Everyone's blown away Just two people left to stay And repopulate After Ragnarok Please just go away You're not gonna get a date Why don't you go and play (what’s something that takes forever? Dungeons and Dragons?) Oh, I saw this great looking role-playing thingy on the way into the hotel. Way over on the other end. You should check it out. Wow she's really hot And she really likes me not But I'll get my shot After Ragnarok After Ragnarok After Ragnarok
10.
Break Away 02:45
Da da da da da da ... My neighbor’s such a talker I’m like a backward stalker I watch for her through my window If I leave my condo She sticks to me like bondo All dang day When my neighbor Fred tries To get a word in edgewise Feels like no one can hear him She can’t even see how He’s really gotta pee now So I pray he can break away I see you coming and duck out of sight ‘Cause to leave while you’re talking is so impolite If you’d zip your lip Shut your face Clap your trap I could break away Two good solutions I’ll take either choice I lose my hearing or you lose your voice Or you could take a break Take a hint Take a breath And I could break away Yada yada yada yada yada yada Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Heard about your migraines And your lower back pains And your cat’s operation Since there’s no interjecting I’m astrally projecting far away Like to East Bombay Pigs will grow wings and they’ll learn how to fly The Cubs win the series and hell turns to ice And you zip your lip Close your beak Shut yer hole That will be the day From ‘round the corner oh look here comes Fred She turns to greet him and he fakes his death but I Take my chance Tuck and roll Dodge and weave And I break away Break away Break away
11.
Why are there so many Kids in this classroom? And why's this one holding a knife? If they think they're doctors Then they have delusions Is this what they’ll do with my life? So we've been told And some choose to believe it I know they're wrong wait and see Someday we'll stop this The needless dissection The piggies the earthworms and me Who said that every kid Should slice something open And live with emotional scars? Some become Hannibals And some become vegans Why not just teach CPR? I play the banjo and host a TV show Success without hurting a flea Someday we'll stop this The needless dissection The piglets the earthworms and me All of us going extinct Why not use a frog made of plastic? Have you been cut in half? And have you heard voices Calling each organ by name? Unless you're a donor Who gave prematurely The experience isn't the same The study of life Sure involves lots of death Seems kind of contradictory Someday we'll stop this The needless dissection The piggies the earthworms and me La da da dee da da doo Da da de da da de da doo
12.
Swamp Thing 02:53
Swamp Thing You’re slimy and green You smell like string beans and tubers Swamp Thing Swamp Thing are you a plant or an animal? ‘Cause l wanna know for sure Hmm part vegetable part meat I’m hungry Swamp Thing That sounds enticing I’ll have one with everything- bring it to me Swamp Thing Swamp Thing I think you’re tasty But I wanna know for sure Would you mind stepping into this hamburger bun? Now don’t move! Swamp Thing That’s interesting You’ve got an aftertaste like jujubes Swamp Thing C’mon c’mon Swamp Thing Shake and Bake it Swamp Thing
13.

about

Comedy music from Professional Smart Aleck Carla Ulbrich!
You've heard her music on Pandora, Dr. Demento, and Sirius XM.
Her 6th CD is a studio album with 5 originals, 7 parodies and a bonus track.

credits

released October 1, 2015

Producers: Bob Malone, Steve Goodie
Engineers: Steve McDonald, Steve Goodie, Bobby Brescia

license

all rights reserved

tags

about

Carla Ulbrich

Award-winning songwriter Carla Ulbrich has played in venues small and large (and sometimes odd) all over the US.

You may have heard her on SiriusXM Comedy radio, or one of many NPR stations, or on the legendary Dr. Demento show.

She has released 10 albums of fun music and was an extra in the movie Sharknado 2.

"Inside Jokes: Songs from Quarantine" is her 10th album.
... more

contact / help

Contact Carla Ulbrich

Streaming and
Download help

Redeem code

Report this album or account

If you like Carla Ulbrich, you may also like: