Get all 12 Carla Ulbrich releases available on Bandcamp and save 10%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Sit Here and Scream, Twang, Put On A Mask, Inside Jokes: Songs From Quarantine, The LOUD Album, Live at FuMPFest, Totally Average Woman, Live From Outer Space, and 4 more.
1. |
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Well it's a hundred degrees out again today
And my air conditioner quit
And no one can fix it till next week
I's about to throw a fit
So I decided to go to Costco
Just to stand inside and cool down
And I ran into a friend in the cereal aisle
And I guess he was joking around He said
Is it hot enough for ya
Is it hot enough for ya
man it’s gotta be about a hundred and three
Is it hot enough for ya
Everyone’s a comedian
It's annoying I tell you what
when your heat rash has got a heat rash
And your bra strap has melted shut
i mean even the weeds were wilted
when I went to mow the lawn
Then I barbecued some hamburgers
and I didn't even turn the grill on and you asked me
Is it hot enough for ya
Is it hot enough for ya
man it’s gotta be about a hundred and three
Is it hot enough for ya
Well I burned my butt on the driver’s seat
My cursing made a sailor blush
Snow white change her name today
Now she's just called slush
The itsy bitsy spider
made it up the water spout
All the sculptures by Salvador Dali
yesterday they straightened out
you think you’re so damn funny
with that old worn-out cliche
i’ve been in this store 10 minutes
you’re the third one i’ve heard say
Is it hot enough for ya
Is it hot enough for ya
man it’s gotta be about a hundred and three
Is it hot enough for ya
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2. |
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Well it's a hundred degrees out again today
And my air conditioner quit
And no one can fix it till next week
I was about to throw a fit
So I decided to go to Costco
Just to stand inside and cool down
Then I ran into a friend in the cereal aisle
And I guess he was joking around He said
Is it hot enough for ya
Is it hot enough for ya
Man it’s gotta be about a hundred and three
Is it hot enough for ya
Everyone’s a comedian
It's annoying I tell you what
When your heat rash has got a heat rash
And your bra strap has melted shut
I mean even the weeds were wilted
When I went to mow the lawn
Then I barbecued some hamburgers
And I didn't even turn the grill on and you ask me
Is it hot enough for ya
Is it hot enough for ya
Man it’s gotta be about a hundred and three
Is it hot enough for ya
Well I burned my butt on the driver’s seat
My cursing made a sailor blush
Snow White change her name today
Now she's just called “Slush”
The itsy bitsy spider
Made it up the water spout
All the sculptures by Salvador Dali
Yesterday they straightened out
You think you’re so dang funny
With that old worn-out cliche
I’ve been in this store ten minutes
You’re the third one i’ve heard say
Is it hot enough for ya
Is it hot enough for ya
Man it’s gotta be about a hundred and three
Is it hot enough for ya
Is it hot enough for ya
Is it hot enough for ya
Man it’s gotta be about a hundred and three
Is it hot enough for ya
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3. |
Interviewing Therapists
02:18
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Finding a good therapist is tricky
You never know just what you’re gonna get
So have a little interview before you commit
Just get some questions off the internet
Why do you want to work here at Carla’s neuroses?
Helping people? Duly noted
I see you’ve been at this position for fifteen years
How come you’ve never been promoted?
How will you affect my bottom line?
And would you call yourself a winner?
Do you ever take your work home with you?
You do? What time is dinner?
Finding a good therapist is tricky
You never know just what you’re gonna get
So have a little interview before you commit
Just get some questions off the internet
What makes you think you’re qualified to work here?
I mean besides the PhD
Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Please don’t say you’ll still be seeing me
How many golf balls are there in Florida?
And how much fuel would it take to ignite them?
What’s the airspeed of an unladen swallow?
Hey I just ask the questions I don’t write them
Are you willing to fail? Why should we hire you?
How did your last job end?
How do you deal with a difficult client?
Asking for a friend
Thanks for your time we’ll give you a call
Or maybe not I guess we’ll see
If you don’t get the job don’t stay in a funk
Just take this little tip from me
Finding a good therapist is simple
You’ll know exactly what you’re gonna to get
You’ll trim your list of candidates in no time
With your questions from the internet
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4. |
20 Rats
02:38
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In the basement of the science lab studying addiction
The experiment was conclusive matching their prediction
Each one had two bottles, one with water one morphine
Twenty rats in twenty cages none of them stayed clean
Many times in many places the trial was replicated
Drugs as powerful as this should’ve never been created
We’ve got to keep them off the streets by every possible means
Twenty rats in twenty cages none of them stayed clean
I tried to warn these rats about how this would go
I told them use will power; just say no
I told them about their strung out friends and relatives I’d seen
But those twenty rats in twenty cages- none of them stayed clean
Then Doctor Alexander came onto the scene He said
“I’m looking at these rats. They’re disengaged.
These are social creatures trapped in isolation
The problem’s not the morphine- the problem is the cage”
He sprung them from confinement and gave them toys and space
Lots of room to exercise and even room to mate
They still had two bottles one with water, one morphine
Those twenty rats free from their cages
All of them stayed clean
All of them stayed clean
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5. |
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If you could stop tryina bring on the apocalypse
That’d be really swell
I’m not just asking for the heathens
I’m not worried about going to hell
You’re not the first person to read Revelations
Even satan knows the Bible well
If you could stop tryin’a bring on the apocalypse
That’d be really swell
If you could stop tryina bring on the apocalypse
That’d be really fab
You may be looking for a holy war
But the people in charge just want a power grab
Tearing up the planet like there’s no tomorrow
and the rest of us are picking up the tab
If you could stop tryin a bring on the apocalypse
That’d be really fab
Is this like when you were five years old
Waiting to see Santa’s face
Except instead of leaving out cookies and milk
You left a big pile of nuclear waste
If you could stop tryin’a bring on the apocalypse
That’d be really great
Hiding in your underground bunker
Eating beef jerky while you sit and wait
Well there’s work to be done and there’s people to help
and Jesus is running late
If you could stop tryin’a bring on the apocalypse
That’d be really great
Would Jesus wish for Armageddon
I’m not so sure he would
You can be so heavenly minded
That you’re no damn earthly good
If you could stop tryina bring on the apocalypse
That’d be really nice
You think you’re ready to meet your maker
Well you may just wanna think twice
If you haven’t yet learned to love thy neighbor
Better put those plans on ice
If you could stop tryina bring on the apocalypse
That’d be really nice
That’d be really fantastic
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6. |
She's an Extra
01:41
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Up at five in the morning
She packs three changes of clothes
Commutes into the city
For reasons she can’t disclose
She wears a woolen winter coat
Out in the summer heat
And for the fifteenth time
Waits for the cue to casually cross the street
She’s an extra
She moves her lips but makes no sound
Not even to cough
I think she’s saying peas and carrots (peas and carrots?)
My lip reading could be off
Sipping air from a coffee cup
She waits for the all-clear
Then takes the arm of her man
Her third husband just this year
She’s an extra
Behind the scenes she’s picking out her next identity
Biker? No Detective? No Hipster? No Model? No
Ordinary everyday pedestrian- that’s me!
She’s an extra
At last! A part in a movie
She told her job, “Drop dead”
You might see her on the big screen
Just look for the back of her head
She’s an extra
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7. |
The Recovery Waltz
03:17
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Step one okay, I’m an addict
And my life is a mess Well, duh
This step is so flippin’ obvious
I should finish all twelve in a month
Step two came to believe a power greater than me
Could restore my sanity to my life
Sanity. Sounds kind of boring
But I guess I can give it a try
The recovery waltz
Step one step two step three
Any beginner can learn it
Even someone as stubborn as me
Step three turned my will and life over to God
Or I guess I should say higher power
Then took it back when answers to prayers
Seemed to take longer than half an hour
I don’t feel like searching and I’m not at all fearless
So the next part I think I’ll ignore
As long as I keep on waltzing
I’ll never have to do step four
The recovery waltz
Step one step two step three
I’ve danced myself into a corner
Stepping on my own feet
I accepted the things
That I could not change
Which gave me some peace
Which felt kinda strange
But to look at my part
In the mess that I made
Requires some honesty
Hence the delay
The recovery waltz
Avoiding reality
Dancing around the problem
And the problem of course is me
Me doing the recovery waltz
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8. |
From the Bible
02:50
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My friend Bob works his job on the Sabbath
He should get stoned to death but he hasn’t
Then there’s Jim got his hair trimmed me oh my oh
The law forbids yet he did he’s got to die-oh
Then there’s Dave he wanted slaves and now he’s got ‘em
Had a look at the Good Book- not a problem
How I wish i could have shellfish but I’m no Dumbo
Ain’t going to Hell on the half shell for some Gumbo
Leviticus isn’t just about being gay oh
It has got a whole lot more to say oh
Nowadays things you say do not apply-oh
Can’t pick and choose what you use from the Bible
Couldn’t quit I must admit what can I say?
I tried to change the fact remains that I am left-handed
It’s a sin to touch the skin of a pig that’s dead oh
Sorry y’all no more football that’s what it said oh
My sister Rose got new clothes last semester
Now she’s forgot and she’s wearing cotton with polyester
My buddy Bjork ate some pork with a milkshake oh
Should they be stoned or can we burn them at the stake oh
Leviticus isn’t just about being gay oh
It has got a whole lot more to say oh
Nowadays things you say do not apply-oh
Can’t pick and choose what you use from the Bible
Can’t pick and choose what you use from the Bible
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9. |
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You wonder why your woman left you
And your friends are so very few
Even your golden retriever
Can’t seem to make time for you
Any time you throw a party
Everyone calls in sick
It’s all so sad but I wonder
Have you tried not bein’ a dick
Not bein’ a dick
Not bein’ a dick
Not bein’ a dick
A tool a wanker a pecker
Have you tried not bein’ a dick
You’ve tried going to all kinds of meetups
And looking for friends on craigslist
Learning some clever pickup lines
To find yourself a new chick
You even tried taking up smoking
But no one would flick your Bic
You went to join Scientology
They said “Have you tried not bein’ a dick?”
Not bein’ a dick
Not bein’ a dick
Not bein’ a dick a dinner a dong a doinker
have you tried Not bein’ a dick
If houseplants all turn brown and shrivel
Whenever you enter the room
If raindrops refuse to fall on your head
And babies crawl back in the womb
If you’ve tried to split a hotel room
And your roommate preferred the car trunk
If you’ve taken a personality test and flunked
If your girlfriend keeps deflating herself
Or asks “Can you make this quick?”
Then maybe it’s time you asked yourself
Have I tried not being a dick?
Not bein’ a dick
Not bein’ a dick
It may be against your religion
So how ‘bout just try a little smidgeon
Would it kill ya for just 5 minutes just to try
Just to try not bein’ a dick
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Carla Ulbrich
Award-winning songwriter Carla Ulbrich has played in venues small and large (and sometimes odd) all over the
US.
You may have heard her on SiriusXM Comedy radio, or one of many NPR stations, or on the legendary Dr. Demento show.
She has released 10 albums of fun music and was an extra in the movie Sharknado 2.
"Inside Jokes: Songs from Quarantine" is her 10th album.
... more
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